Elle Beau asked how do we better diagnose “toxic” behavior and here’s my answer

Masculinity is not the problem, so I’m with Elle Beau. Calling our “issues’ the result of “toxic masculinity” is not helping anything. If anything, it’s thrown the pendulum toward excusing man-bashing.

Exhibit A: Eh Bee is a Youtube and formerly Vine channel hosted by a family that were hilarious to me, except when the joke was about the wife “killing the husband” when he did something wrong.

Every time this was the joke, I cringed. And something stuck out to me: if the reverse were suggested, that channel would be shut down immediately.

Exhibit B: A while back I wrote about allowing boys to play outside and be active and allowing them to take risks as they explore the world. In the article, I explained it’s unfair for schools especially, but people in general to insist that boys sit still and be gentle if they don’t want to be.

I received a mix of quiet support but very loud objection.

I was accused of opposing gay rights (which I never mentioned), I was accused of victim-blaming (when rape and abuse were never mentioned) and a host of other things, simply for saying it’s not fair that boys are often punished at schools for wanting to … play.

Exhibit C: The high rate of suicide among men is clear evidence that our society is restricting men’s access to support for mental illness, and abuse (especially when it was sexual).

Men are not allowed by society to… complain or ask for help, not in the same way women are.

We need to pull back the curtain and expose the Wizard: a toxic society.

The suffering of any group of people is directly connected to the toxic habits of our larger society in the United States (and some other nations.)

The same society that calls women “bitches” or “emotional” when we speak with passion is the same society that calls men “bitches” or “emotional” when they express suffering.

The same society that refuses justice in many sexual assault cases for women, won’t even open a door for compassion for most male survivors of assault.

And have you ever noticed that a biologically born female is allowed to wear a wide array of clothing items without her gender identity being questioned, but biologically born males cannot do the same?

As a historian with a background in psychology and sociology, the various ways cultures approach gender intrigues but also confounds me.

Seriously, if girls can wear blue sweatpants and not be asked “are you gay?” why can’t a boy wear a purple skirt over his jeans and not have his sexuality immediately questioned?

This is not masculinity that causes this, any more than femininity would be to blame:

it’s a toxic society that habitually treats someone as inferior or at the least, under the control of another.

And no… doing away with what US society deems “masculine” does not solve anything. In fact, at its core, it’s just as oppressive and unethical as sexism against women and racism against people of color.

The aim should be compassion and equanimity for every person to be as masculine or feminine or androgynous as they choose.

This struggle for progress does not need someone to blame in order to succeed.

This isn’t a blockbuster movie after all.

Cue the chorus that will say “Feminism is a search for equanimity for all genders.”

I have to respectfully disagree.

I have no issue with feminism for those who agree with the methods supported by that movement but that’s not going to work for everyone. And not every battle has to go through the “feminist lens” in order to achieve the core result that we all need:

respect.

Any “ism” that insists they are the way to enlightenment for all and refuses to accept that others might prefer a different path for themselves borders on cult mentality.

So I might be lashed out at for this, but I am what I always have been: a humanist — one who supports equality for all humanity no matter how anybody else feels about it