I pretend that it doesn’t matter, but it does

I would say it burns, but it’s not that kind of pain. It feels… like drowning.

Like burning stinging liquid attacking my cells and I am erupting in spasms of desperation, in an agonizing struggle to survive.

One parent left and never returned. The other stayed long enough to raise me but any time she wants to, she shuts me out entirely.

I don’t know if she loves me or if she just feels… responsible for me.

This doesn’t feel like love.

When you love someone, you don’t ignore their calls. You don’t alienate them for being proud of their heritage. You don’t damage their property and then refuse to speak to them for years after because they held you accountable.

When you love someone, you don’t tell them they are a horrible person, a selfish person, a cold hearted person.

When you love someone, you want to know them… their passions, their fears, their triumphs and their struggles. You want to hear their voice everytime they call. You want to understand what matters to them.

And this right here… this matters… but I pretend that it doesn’t.