What We Owe to Our Mothers (the historical power of motherhood)

Something hit me during my morning meditation on this Mothers Day 2022:

Can you imagine where we would be if God or Evolution (whichever you align with) never developed the culture of Mothering?

(Come back next month for the impact of the culture of Fathering. I will not entertain the negative conversation next month. We are focusing on the powerful and beautiful examples of fathering only.)

Back to the Momas…

It is in the most tragic stories that we find the answer to this question

Dani was discovered locked away in a home where she was barely fed, constantly dirty, isolated and not given any affection or social interaction.

As a result, Dani could not speak, her brain never developed to its full potential and her body weakened and under-developed all because her mother never actually mothered her.

In these tragic stories is a revelation… we are all at the mercy of whomever is our primary caregiver in childhood. Everything that you are is because someone paid attention to you and cared enough to ensure your survival and development.

There are levels to this though.

Bare Minimum

There are mother who do the bare minimum, hovering just around acceptable levels of care. These are the mothers that make sure you have food, water, shelter and clothing and access to education. But any additional life skills or emotional development is left up to whoever you access in your environment.

Struggle Momas

These are mothers who do everything they can to provide the necessities, and they genuinely show affection when they have the energy, but there’s something in the environment that’s causing additional struggle, so her ability to invest fully into what you need is reduced.

It could be an abusive person in the home, a dangerous neighborhood, but most often it’s poverty. Living in a society or just a temporary situation that limits her opportunity pushes too many mothers into this role. But I’ve seen so many amazing people raised by a mother in struggle and I bet a bunch of you reading count yourself in that number.

This moma really put her all in despite the challenges she faced.

Doing Too Much

Before I talk about the Momas who got the balance right, I want to touch on the ones who overdo it.

They are sometimes called “helicopter moms.” These are the momas who refuse to allow their child to face challenges or injury. She holds the child’s hand on the playground long after they have learned to walk safely. This moma swoops in when her child seems challenged or frustrated and solves the problem for their child.

I encourage anyone who has this strategy to consider how you are diminishing your child’s problem-solving and the necessary development of Grit, ie, resilience.

If your child doesn’t face challenges and seek their own solutions, they’ll be hindered greatly as they enter adulthood. Let them feel their way through frustration, sadness and anger a little while before you approach to offer advice or comfort. And don’t intervene or solve the issue unless your child has already gone through the steps themselves and truly need you.

Now on to the Momas who have found a beautiful balance…

Balanced Momas

These mothers have also faced challenges. No one can escape that. Some of the Balanced Momas may have gone through a phase as a Struggle Moma and maybe even been a “Doing Too Much Moma” for a time.

But what the Balanced Momas have in common is the following:

Necessities go way beyond food and shelter, etc. They include emotional and social intelligence in the list of necessities they provide.

And because of this, they know how to provide just enough guidance that their child learns from their wisdom, but also develops their own methods and strength in problem-solving, self discipline and more.

Balanced Momas have a knack for knowing when to clown and laugh with their kids, when to cuddle and comfort and when to chastise and correct with the just the right balance of “I’m not to be played with” and “I’m teaching you so you can grow.”

What would the world be like if we never developed Mothering?

Just imagine the example at the start, Dani.

Nothing in our society could have developed without mothers. If no one provided for you, nurtured you and guided you, you’d never be able to have higher order thinking skills, you’d never have determination enough to build anything, so clearly, there’d be….

no agriculture

no social ethics

no art or music

no indoor plumbing

no cleanliness habits

In other words, we’d be dirty, marinating in disease and despair, barely able to survive one day to the next.

We owe every modern comfort, every beautiful work of art and music, every sensation of love in a hug and a smile, we even owe our ability to smile to Mothers.